Rules of Engagement

What to expect in our discussions

Photo by Small Group Network on Unsplash

I hesitated naming this post “Rules of Engagement” because that’s a term used in warfare. But then this is exactly the problem, isn’t it? Too many times our interactions with non-Christians or even each other become hostile, as if we’re going to war! Which means, from a biblical perspective, we’re defeated before we even get started.

We live in an increasingly polarized society. You don’t need me to tell you that. We’re all painfully aware of the opposing views and often contentious arguments in our society, our churches and families, and most of us have grown weary of this constant strife. But does this mean we just stop talking about anything important? Can we discuss issues seriously and deeply without it becoming heated and argumentative?

I want to develop a sense of community here, with a lot of discussion of posts, podcast episodes, videos, and whatever else we end up doing. So we need to have some mutually understood ground rules for how we’ll be interacting, some rules for engaging each other. Especially with how polarized and divisive our culture has become, it’s imperative we model a different way. We’re supposed to be those who follow the Prince of Peace, people who are characterized by the fruit of the Spirit. If we can’t interact with love, peace, patience, grace, respect—even especially when we profoundly disagree—how are we that different from the worst of what we see around us? Aren’t we supposed to be different?

So I’m going to list and explain what we’ll expect from those who participate in our discussions on this site, and what should characterize believers in all our interaction with others. Some rules are so obvious (I hope) that I don’t need to explain them. If you use any vulgar or obscene language, or if you insult other commenters, your comments will be deleted. But, as Christians, I think we’re called to a higher standard than merely not being obscene or insulting.

Someone once observed that:

“Too often we enjoy the comfort of opinion without the discomfort of thought.”

Unfortunately, this is all too true today, even among evangelical Christians. We follow Jesus Christ, who is characterized by truth; so we also should be characterized by truth. We should be expected to carefully examine each issue, to ensure we truly understand differing viewpoints, and to know the underlying reasons for any disagreements. But people―Christians included―have a tendency to listen to only one perspective. Many receive all their information from “their side” and rarely give their opponents a fair chance to explain their views from their perspective. Those on the right of our cultural and political divide tend to listen only to voices from the right; and those on the left often follow the same pattern. This intensifies our rejection of anyone on the other side, and—because we’re only talking with people who agree with us—it makes us increasingly more extreme in our views. So the problem keeps getting worse.

This way of “being informed” creeps into the body of Christ and affects how we handle controversial issues. We often end up talking past each other without making any impact because we have no idea where the other side is coming from or why. Too often we’ve already made up our minds about what we think they believe, and we’re not even trying to learn anything from them. We haven’t grasped some important lessons taught in the book of Proverbs: “The first to speak in court sounds right―until the cross-examination begins” (Proverbs 18:17), and “Spouting off before listening to the facts is both shameful and foolish” (Proverbs 18:13).

The manner in which we sometimes express our disagreements also greatly concerns me. When researching differing viewpoints online, there are times I’m dismayed by the unloving and unchristian animosity displayed toward those we see as opponents. I’m not saying we shouldn’t debate. There’s definitely a time to be clear and frank about where we disagree and why. But who are we to impugn the motives and intentions of fellow believers (or anyone else for that matter)? Can we see the heart? Are we qualified to judge it? Sometimes the interaction becomes so mean-spirited and vitriolic, I have to check and make sure it’s actually spewing from a “Christian” source. Brothers and sisters, this should not be.

Does this mean we should expect to always see eye-to-eye on every issue? No! The Scriptures tell us there will be disputable matters, questions on which we disagree (Romans 14). So how should we discuss issues with each other when we have deep, serious disagreement? Here’s where we can start:

Begin with an attitude of love

From what Paul tells us in 1 Corinthians 13, we can have totally watertight arguments with every t crossed and i dotted, but if we don’t genuinely love the person with whom we’re interacting, we aren’t accomplishing anything. This doesn’t mean truth is optional. Speaking the truth is imperative, but we must speak the truth “in love” (Ephesians 4:15).

Remember when the lawyer asked Jesus which commandment was the greatest? Jesus gave him two commandments, both having to do with love. Love God; love each other. He said that all the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments (Matthew 22:34-40). Jesus said the defining characteristic of his people would be—not what kind of culture warriors we are, not how effectively we shout out our Christianity with bumper stickers and t-shirts and Facebook posts, not even our personal holiness. No, what’s supposed to show everyone we belong to him and follow him is the love we have for one another (John 13:35).

If we were truly loving toward others in our debates, do you think this might eliminate much of the hostility? If the world saw a church where Christians consistently showed love for everyone―even when we strongly disagree―could that maybe have an impact on people looking for a faith that’s real? One that truly makes a difference in people’s lives, rather than just putting a religious veneer on someone who still seems obviously contentious and unloving? So if you don’t truly love the person with whom you’re arguing theology or politics or whatever, you need to stop . . . and get your heart right before you continue.

Watch out for pride

Ego creeps in so easily! It begins to be all about my views, our side, what we believe. Us vs. them. Once we’re looking at an issue this way, it becomes much more difficult to fairly listen to the “other side.” We see this in politics all the time. We lionize our leaders and demonize theirs. We try to justify whatever our party does, no matter how despicable, and when the opposing party does something commendable we pick it apart. Why? Because we have to be right; we have to win! It becomes a matter of pride.

I mean, we can’t let the other side win anything, can we? We can’t ever acknowledge they’ve made a good point (no matter how trivial). Nothing good can come from anyone other than us, right? We certainly can’t learn anything from someone who disagrees with us . . . can we?

Before we look at the actual issue, we need to acknowledge: it’s not about me. It’s not about what will make me look good. It’s not about helping my side win. Instead, our focus needs to be: What is true? (Whether I like it or not.) It’s not about who is right; it’s about what is right. We need to sacrifice our egos. Are you willing to admit it when you’re wrong? Even to someone on the “other side”? Maybe especially to someone on the other side?

Notice that before we’ve examined any specific issue, we’ve examined our own attitude. If we entered into discussion and debate with right hearts―before God and toward each other―it would alleviate most of the rancor in our disagreements. Wouldn’t it?

Seek the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth

What this doesn’t mean is checking out an issue or listening to someone until I’ve amassed enough catchy points to (appear to) win the argument! Remember, it’s not about winning arguments. It’s not about defending my position. It’s about actually understanding an issue and discovering what is really true. Seeking the truth also doesn’t mean listening only to my side’s explanations of the views of my opponents. It means having the courtesy to truly listen to opposing viewpoints—from the people who actually hold them—and fairly consider them. It’s not compromising the truth to give another person a fair hearing. You don’t have to be convinced . . . but are you willing to be? Remember the old saying:

If you never have to change your mind,
you’re probably not using it!

Are you so focused on the truth you’re willing to change even a long-held position? Which is more important to you: truly being right, or having everyone on your side think you’re right?

Be fair with your opponent

If it’s not all about winning, this shouldn’t be such a problem. But too often it is. If you follow conversations about politics, you’ve probably heard people describe your positions (whether you’re conservative or progressive) in ways you don’t recognize. You may have even thought to yourself, “That’s not what I believe at all!” Guess what, people on the other side can make the very same complaint—sometimes about us. If we’re explaining the views of our opponents, they should be able to listen to us and say, “Well put! That’s how I would explain it, too.”

We need to be scrupulously fair in the way we describe the beliefs of others. Do you like to be misrepresented? Do you enjoy it when you’re falsely accused of motives you don’t have or beliefs you don’t hold? Are you happy when someone takes your very serious, well-thought-out view and describes it in a way that makes it sound petty and silly and easy to dismiss? Then let’s make sure we don’t do that to others. Express your opponents’ views accurately and fairly.

Of course, that means you’ve taken the time to truly understand your opponents’ views—as they understand them. Scripture tells us we’re supposed to treat others (including those who don’t share our beliefs) with respect. So let’s respect people enough to describe their beliefs the way they would. It’s more accurate anyway. You can go on to explain the problems you have with these views, and where you think they’re mistaken. But if you don’t understand your opponents’ views well enough to describe them fairly—from their perspective—then you’re not yet qualified to oppose them! To put it bluntly, you don’t know what you’re talking about.

Work on persuading people instead of trying to win the argument

If you’re truly convinced your brother or sister is wrong, if you’re concerned this error is potentially harmful to them, and if you have a loving attitude toward this person, how will you interact with them? By bombastically pounding them with every argument within reach, endlessly debating petty details, and gleefully pouncing any time someone gets their wording a little wrong? By hounding them until they’re forced to concede they’re wrong (or just run away)? Is this really the way to change someone’s heart and mind? Perhaps we might be more effective if we adopt a more scriptural style of interaction:

A servant of the Lord must not quarrel but must be kind to everyone, be able to teach, and be patient with difficult people. Gently instruct those who oppose the truth. Perhaps God will change those people’s hearts, and they will learn the truth.
2 Timothy 2:24-25

I think, for most of us, this is so different from the way we’re used to interacting with people we need to intentionally keep reminding ourselves: this is not about winning an argument. It’s about loving people. It’s about learning from them and sharing with them. It’s about seeking the truth—whatever it is—and, as we have opportunity, helping them see the love and truth of Jesus Christ.

Distinguish between essential truths and non-essential viewpoints

We must never compromise the essential truths of the gospel of Jesus Christ. But there are a number of secondary issues about which we routinely fight that aren’t worthy of dividing over. The manner of Christ’s return is a wonderful, blessed hope and a fascinating topic for discussion. But it’s a little silly for us to be so dogmatic about something of which we’re still so ignorant. Some issues require a firm, unyielding stand; others invite ongoing consideration, discussion and illumination. We should seek the wisdom to appropriately distinguish between them, and not be overly dogmatic and divisive about what Scripture calls disputable matters.

Realize you won’t convince everyone . . . and that’s okay

It’s not our job to defeat the world and win some culture war. This is not what God calls us to in his Word. The victory belongs to Christ. Bringing that victory to fulfillment is his job, not ours. It’s not our job to tell the world how sinful it is. The Holy Spirit does that, not us (John 16:7-8, 1 Corinthians 5:12-13). Jesus will return one day as the conquering King on a white horse (drawing on the imagery in Revelation 19:11-16)—but that day hasn’t come yet. To the world now, he is still the one coming humbly, in peace, on a donkey’s colt. And in the same way he was sent into the world, so he sends us into the world (John 20:21).

We’re not here to be victorious; we’re here to be faithful, even if that costs us everything. We’re here to faithfully follow Jesus Christ. We’re here to help each other grow as followers of Jesus Christ. We’re here to be a blessing to our communities, all those around us, any way we can. And we’re here to—as we have genuine opportunity—gently and respectfully share the love and truth of God with those around us (1 Peter 3:15-16).

We aren’t trying to get people to adopt our traditions or viewpoints. We want to see real heart change. And it’s not even our responsibility to change their hearts. We faithfully communicate the truth when we have the opportunity, in love, with gentleness and respect, as effectively as we can—and then we leave the rest with the Holy Spirit. He’s the one who works in our hearts and theirs. When people don’t come around to our way of thinking right away, it doesn’t mean we’ve failed, that they’re rejecting the truth, or they hate God. We can’t control this process or the timing. Even if a fellow Christian doesn’t agree with you (gasp!), they’re still your brother or sister, and you still need to treat them with love and respect. And . . . we just might be the ones who need to reconsider our viewpoint . . . unless, of course, you already know everything perfectly!

Keep these passages in mind:

Do all that you can to live in peace with everyone.
Romans 12:18

Understand this, my dear brothers and sisters: You must all be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to get angry. Human anger does not produce the righteousness God desires.
James 1:19-20

I think that sums it up quite well.

And don’t forget who we’re supposed to be following, who we’re supposed to be like: Jesus, the suffering servant, who came into the world not to condemn the world but to save the world (John 3:17), the one who was willing to lay down his life to save those to whom he was sent. The people who we so easily think of as enemies, our “opponents,”—they are not our enemies. We aren’t here to oppose them; we’re here for them. The people on the “other side” who drive us crazy, these are the people we’re called to love. God doesn’t call us to defeat them, but to lay down our lives for them.

Because—if we’re going to call ourselves followers of Jesus,
we have to . . . follow Jesus.
Right?

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Related post:

Discussing Politics in Church?

What Does Christian Character Look Like?

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